I wanted to write this post just to explain why I haven’t posted much the past couple of weeks but now I don’t really know how to write it. I guess I’m still in shock and denial.
When I was little all I wanted was a sister, after a while I realised that wasn’t going to happen though so I became dead set on having a puppy (because who wants a brother?). Originally I wanted a beagle because of all the ‘research’ I’d done but eventually settled for a golden retriever because that is what my parents would agree to. I was so ecstatic and now I can’t imagine ever having a beagle, as my gorgeous goldie was amazing and so so beautiful.
We had Jazzy from a puppy and she was my whole life, she just completely wove herself into our life and hearts. She was pretty much my whole childhood as she is the first thing I really remember. She wasn’t very normal and didn’t do ‘golden retriever’ things. She wouldn’t chase a ball, she didn’t like the water (although she did love the beach), and I don’t really know if she liked human food because we weren’t allowed to give her any (for years I didn’t know why). She was perfect for our little family and had so many amazing quirks, like just lying on the floor and sucking on a teddy, never trying to destroy it.
Last year I found out why we had to be quite precious and carful with her, like not running too much and giving her very strict food. I had assumed all the tests and caution were to do with her incontinence issues but apparently that was not the case. A few months before she turned one my parents found out on my Mum’s birthday that she had renal failure. The vets didn’t think she would make it to one.
She became the miracle dog though, when she made it to nine and a half. They don’t know how her kidneys held out for that long but somehow they did.
A few weeks back she got a serious gut infection, which sent her kidney levels soaring. Although she did recover, she slowed down dramatically afterwards and her levels didn’t go down. Last Sunday, on my Mum’s birthday, 9 years after her terminal diagnose she finally decided that it was time and took the decision out of our hands. She collapsed in the morning and we decided that it was time to give her some peace. It was one of the hardest days of my life but I knew that it was coming and I’m glad it happened the way it did. I feel so numb now and our house is so empty without the sound of paws on floorboards and nudges from wet noses in the morning. It feels like there is a hole in my heart and I suspect it will be there forever.
This year especially Jazzy was the best thing for me. I have been so sick this year, and most of the time she has gotten me through the hard days. Waiting to see her was what got me through hospital admissions, and puppy cuddles got me through the tears and pain. I was home a lot on my own this year and she became my house buddy. She checked up on me and gave me cuddles, then got in the way when I was going somewhere in my wheelchair, just so she could get a pat. Even the sound of her walking around the house and breathing was a comfort. All that is gone now and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to go on. But I’m just going to breathe and take it one day at a time until I figure it out.
Jazzy, you were the most amazing and weirdest dog I have ever met, and I love you so so much. When I first wanted a puppy, I wanted what everyone else had, the stereotypical dog. But what I got was so much better and weirder and irreplaceable. You were the perfect dog for our family and brought so much joy and laughter to it. I miss your quirks and smell and cuddles. I hope you are happy and comfy now and know that you will never be forgotten.
And if any of you have pets, do me a favour and give them a huge hug and a pat. They deserve it.
Goodnight everyone xx